At some point in Germany you will come across the
nefarious “Is it a joke?”
This is not a reproach or a commentary on your sense
of humour, simply a common response to any joke in a land where humour is a
fifth rate citizen.
Contrary to stereotyped opinion, Germans do have a
sense of humour, although it isn’t the most recognizable Teutonic trait. If you
want “that is so funny!” ringing loud in your ears, you’ll need to
get an arsenal of jokes about mechanical failure, engine breakdown, or power
shortages.
Germans like jokes to be clever, not funny, so make
sure you have enough punch-line to stimulate a bucket of nerve endings at a
neuroscience convention. Anything about a quantum physicist misquoting a
statistic, a dog been taken do a doctor and not a vet, or a police officer
dressed as a fireman should get you started. Engineering disasters and
miscalculations are also popular. I found myself in a mess combining both.
In Germany it is illegal to run out of petrol on the
motorway. When I told my German housemate, the Bod,
that I found this hilarious, he burst out laughing. “Why is it funny?” he
enquired still chortling. “Huh, why? Why is this funny?”
I tried to explain to the Bod that I find it hilarious
because running out of petrol is bad enough, without a green and white light
flashing in your face and a fine to remind you. My housemate stopped laughing.
A weight returned to the room, as if we’d been subconsciously discussing gas
chamber dancing. The Bod looked at me, out of courtesy, then straight through
me.
“Think about it,” he began. “It’s logical that if you
run out of petrol you will be fined. It will not possible to run out of ze
petrol. There is, how you say…ze counting machine, no…ze fuel clock, ze
readometer of ze oil. This is flashing whens you are getting low with ze
petrol. It is very almost impossible to this flashing not notice before ze
petrol is running out!”
Traffic irregularities also get most Germans
chortling. The misreading of road signs or a dysfunctional conveyor belt at a
Volkswagen plant will keep guffawed audiences hunting the malfunction for hours.
Computer crashing is also startlingly funny for the Bundesland's inhabitants (unless if the device
in question is theirs).
Unnecessary system reboots, hard drive failure and RAM
deficiency are of course cackle catalysts.
“Who is making zese computers? What kind of engineer
is making such a faulty device?”
If you yourself however should suffer file loss, do
not share it. Telling a crowded bar how you lost your treasured dissertation
will merely advertise your own rebel & callous methodology. Remember;
methodology is king in Germany.
Germans also love jokes about Bavarians (unless
they’re Bavarian, in which case they like their jokes to be about the Swiss or
Sausage competitions). Of course, they demand logic, so you’ll be safe
venturing into a conversation with puns, riddles and puzzles set in the Alps or
a Bavarian butcher. Even jokes with punch lines that have a clear
comedy-route-path, whereby all variables and possible trajectories are
communicated with 97.8 percent clarity, will require a post-mortem.
In brief, avoid anything with a subtle punch line
unless you want your moment of light relief to transform into a judicial
enquiry. If you are confronted with a cross examination, be prepared to explain
every last detail about the joke’s characters; how did the chicken escape from
the fenced-in CCTV-surveyed farm? Where were the Germans at this party of
English, Irish and Welshmen? Why did the pope interrupt his Sunday sermon to
talk to Michael Jackson? Did the bear have no toilet paper or was the rabbit on
a volunteer scheme? Why would somebody a. look for and b. rub an old oil lamp twenty years after
discarding it? What chemical metamorphosis gave birth to a twelve-inch pianist?
Germans do not like double entendre. Or satire.
Anything that involves imaginary boundaries and cognitive diversions is like
hiking through Jerusalem with your supplies strapped to your body: you just
don’t do it
This includes irony. Do not say things like “Cold, hey?” when it is actually hot, just to
make small talk at a bus stop, for example. Such outbursts could unveil an
avalanche of confusion, or at best you’ll get drawn into a long, protracted
discussion about whether there is a zephyr in the shade that might technically
be defined as a variant of cold.
In general, avoid trying to make people laugh. Keep
things on linear trajectories and refrain from subtle twists in conversation.
If all else fails, laugh only when prompted by the laughter of others.
Always have a
handful of German proverbs handy. You’re allowed to veer from the literal with
these and they will buy you time when stuck for a reply. Phrases such as Die Hoffnung sterbt zu letzst (Hope dies last) or Kommt Zeit, kommt Rat (Time will tell) should help you stun,
or at least confuse and thus divert the attention of your audience.
You may find the above information unfounded if you
land a funny German. These of course exist. They vary from the diabolically
hilarious Nazi trauma one-liner (‘Don’t leave the oven on. You know what we
Germans are like’) to the quietly staunch satirist.
Needless to say such people are rebels in Germany.
Possibly artists or activists. The likelihood is they are part of an alienated
subculture and write for a German satire magazine such as Titanic.
They are sharp, witty intellectuals as funny as any you will find anywhere.
There is however a third category of comedy lover, undoubtedly the most
dedicated. This is Funny Guy.
Funny Guy is not unique or indigenous only to Germany.
Everywhere you go, you can find him. But Funny Guy Germany is louder and more
convulsed. You’ll recognize he/she, preferably at a safe distance, from the
uncharacteristic speed of their movements. Funny Guy is a Tommy Gun of raised
hands, pseudo dances and punch lines. He’ll often just jump the punch line and
leave you head-over-heels with his trademark “Yeah!” – followed by an air-fuck
or a Guevara raised-fist and clenched teeth. Funny Guy will constantly
interrupt you with the opposite of what he is expected to say, demonstrating
his ability to use irony and satire, often contemporaneously. Funny Guy is
never literal, but rarely subtle.
“So you’re from ze UK, yeah?”
Just agree, unless of course if you’re from a good
country like Brazil, in which case say it.
“UK, yeah, yeah!” says Funny Guy.
Do not look
confused - just wait. Funny Guy has a
punch line for you. “Hey, don’t worry, it’s just a joke.”
If you don’t
laugh at this point, Funny Guy will be offended and will question your
appreciation of comedy. “What, you don’t like ze jokes? I thought British
people love ze sense of humour. Tin of baked beans, cup of tea, quickie with
the Queen…Yeah!”
Don’t panic. Funny Guy always thinks that
Anglo-speaking people will get him best. His fine-tuned quipster character has
been carefully moulded through excerpts from sitcoms and US Indie films and he
is convinced he can’t fail. Funny Guy has seen Richard Pryor and knows of Ron
Burgundy. He knows his Eddie Savage from his Eddie Murphy. Funny Guy will often
have a very convincing accent in English; a Bronx, cockney or South LA twang.
Funny Guy will expect you to read graphic novels and will want to know if
you drink your own blood.
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Is it a joke? |
The best thing you can do to appease Funny Guy is tell
him you lost your uncle and then say you found him again. Under a car. This
should keep Funny Guy tied up with enough membrane queries for you to make your
escape.
Give Funny Guy the odd raised glass and air-fuck from
a distance to preserve your freedom for the remainder of the time you share in
his presence.
Helger Schneider? Loriot??? Just to mention a few?
ReplyDeleteKurt Tucholsky.. He is fantastic pinpointing the UrGermane: The Prussian soul, which still live it's own life in many a German
DeleteNothing like self-deprecating British funnies to elevate themselves above everyone else. I am really beginning to wonder why you're here. Anthropological field trip sponsored by the Royal Society?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't find anything here mentioned "above everyone else". "Jeder tickt anders" And the more you are aware of this, the better understanding.
DeleteMaybe you are the one wishing to "be above everyone else"..? A German National sport: Observing and very loud analyzing whatever, where ever. I have met you all over Europe. -No one likes that part of many otherwise respected German Charakterzüge!
Germans hate when they are the one's being merciless analyzed and measured according to other preferences than their own.. (You're talking of: umgedrehte spies.. ?)
Very good article. I will be facing many of these issues
ReplyDeleteas well..
Stop by my blog ... iphone 3g repairs
Spot on..! Been there, tried it as well.
ReplyDeleteOnce in the factory shop i hang a small notice on a somehow displaced box (any Brit or Dane would find it funny or at least well seen) Axel was completely disorientated, as any "good German" is supposed to be meeting "unordnung". He looked at me and noticed that something was going on here. "AAH ist das ein scherz ??! Jahh??!" -I confirmed and he started laughing as if heard a fantastic joke.. I was somehow shocked! -To turn one's mind from serious concerned "Untersuchungs-mode" to "laugh of your life" was just a mental switch in his perception! Not his own ability to observe. But had to be helped by a second person.. Like handling a robot. Scary somehow ?!
When ever i entered a room with a Brit we ended up having fun before anyone of my normal "freundeskreis" had said a word.. -I often had the impression i was betraying something, while spot on, getting better along with a total stranger, than ever possible with them.